I Will Never Forget

When I reflect on the fun side of who my mom really was, I smile at the thought that if she were 20 years old today, she might be on youtube looking great in a bikini! Sadly Mom (Elizabeth Ward) passed away in July 2011, but as I emerge from the clouds of grief that enveloped me that first year, I remember the wonderful attributes and quirky sayings that defined her.

Mom was a trailblazer! She and her girlfriend Margene, an articulate 89-year-old delightful woman who still lives in Michigan, moved from Lafayette Indiana to Kalamazoo after they graduated from Purdue University in 1945, Mom with a Bachelor's Degree in chemistry!

Post graduation, Mom and Margene worked at Upjohn Co. in Kalamazoo; they made new friends, navigated everywhere via public transportation, bicycles and their own two feet and were thrilled if their apartment had an outside clothesline. My somewhat free spirited mom tempered with good judgment, met a charming serviceman, F. Wayne Ward, on a blind date; they were married August 10, 1946.

My oldest brother Gerald (Jerry) was born in September 1947 and David in November 1949. My family was driving home from a visit in August 1951 when a young man, lost control of his car and T-boned them. The catastrophic car accident killed 20-month-old little David! Mom was pregnant at the time with their third child. Despite significant facial and head injuries, near financial ruin pre car and health insurance, Mom remained focused and resolute for her unborn little girl, me! I was born on a rare, warm, sunny day in early February; Dad had to stop washing the car to take us to the hospital.

Growing up, I thought my mom was amazing until I ventured into the obnoxious teenage period, when she couldn't do anything right. And, except for those three or four years of my mouthy disrespect, Mom and I were best friends. I was blessed to have a great mom, not unlike all great moms, except that she was mine.

We schlepped through orchards to pick apples and strawberries. She sewed my Halloween costumes and made my doll's clothes. We went clothes shopping together and occasionally out to lunch. Mom made my favorite cinnamon sugar pie from left over dough, endless Christmas cookies, fudge, popcorn balls and more. The "Life is Good" years continued for some time; I married and had twin daughters. Jerry finished his PhD and married Wendie. \

Mom retired from teaching high school math in the '70s in part due to her deteriorating hearing and vertigo from Meneire's Disease, a probable tragic outcome of head injuries from her 1951 car accident. Dad retired later and together they played golf, competitive bridge, traveled, etc.

Looking back, the "beginning of the end" started in 1995 when Dad suffered a stroke, launching Mom into her nine-year roll as his primary caregiver. "Death by inches" was how she referred to his steady loss of life skills. In 2001 Wendie died suddenly from brain cancer; Dad succumb to stroke complications in April 2004 followed only months later by Jerry's tragic death in December. Mom drifted into protective shock and never fully emerged.

Gradually but remarkably, Mom started to show signs of memory loss, poor judgment, paranoia, irrational thinking and uncharacteristic agitation. Living two hours away from her I was oblivious to the decline however, chalking up most of the events to stress or just age.

The Brown Pants Caper: On one of my trips over, Mom met me at the door, ranting. "They stole my brown pants; two pair!" She growled. "The cleaning ladies took them!" I made a feeble attempt to suppress my laughter and eye rolls, visualizing either the very tall or very heavy cleaning ladies attempting to stuff their too long or too fat legs into my mom's petite pants. It was a hysterical visualization for me, only Mom wasn't laughing.

Another time she said, "They took my nail file." (Seriously, a nail file?) Or "seven dollars worth of stamps," and there were more irrational accusations.

But despite all of the witnessed and reported drama, I still perceived my mom as more functional than dysfunctional. I naively lived in denial and ignorance, blissfully rationalizing how capable she seemed (the operative word is "seemed") until several, closely timed, cataclysmic events brought me an epiphany: Mom had Dementia! She needed more supervision and needed to be moved, and I decided, closer to me.

Mom was relocated to a facility in southeastern Michigan in July 13, 2010 and died almost a year to the day on July 8, 2011. Mom's year there was filled with funny, tragic and nearly unbelievable events. She was moved three times due to her increasingly unsafe wanderings and masterful Houdini like escapes. Mom "saw" my dad in the parking lot and her mother (my grandmother) in her room!

As compromised as Mom was, periodically the clouds parted and she glimmered with lucidity. She thanked me for everything I had done for her and I smiled with tears glistening in my eyes. In January 2011, from seemingly out-of-nowhere, Mom said, "I told God I was ready to go." In May she underwent two surgeries to repair a collapsed lung and never recovered, taking control of her own destiny by refusing to eat until she slipped into a coma briefly before she died.

More than a year after her death, I'm starting to feel her energizing spirit envelope me with positive memories and I grieve less for my loss. I can hear Mom's kind voice once again, not the ranting of a possessed woman. I can feel her strong arms hugging me, not her foot kicking me in the butt. I can see her beautiful blue eyes and warm smile, not her strained face conveying unadulterated confused terror.

Wonderful memories of her are emerging from behind the dark clouds of Alzheimer's, an insidious disease that robs us of our parents, spouses and loved ones. As one of the Twitter handles says: AlzSucks! Indeed it does: Alzheimer's Sucks!

Proceeds from my award winning new release I Will Never Forget-A Daughter's Story of Her Mother's Arduous and Humorous Journey Through Dementia are being donated to the Alzheimer's Association via book sales, in part so that my daughters don't have to write a book about me one day!

Elaine C. Pereira

ElaineP@chartermi.net
734-395-3615

http://ElaineCPereira.authorsxpress.com

I Will Never Forget - Reflections of Elaine's Loving Mother, Betty

I Will Never Forget